I’d suggest you spend more time with your son as mine grew up and time was lost. I do have a heart that longs to be loved but I can't allow it. Get help_ your hv can help till child is 5, or if your son is at school then they will have a pastoral support worker. And you may of fallen out of love with your partner or it may just be that you are feeling so down that you have pushed him away i some times felt that way. After a while the happy in the moments all joined up to be happy all the time. I have no family or friends around me and I have no access to childcare unless I pay for it. I am so so dangerously depressed and lost. I love spending time with you, but I’m not a clingy person. Could that be your next step to discuss whether she is safe to be at home and raise your concerns again for her? I'm not talking about leaving never to be seen again, I obviously still want a relationship with my son and to see him regularly, the same way children would normally go and stay with their dad at the weekend. I divorced his father when my son was 4 months old, (I was married with his father for 3 years) because of his father being bi-polar, meaness and I'm feeling like I have become more like his father, cold-hearted, high tempered, and impatient. This is only changed if proof of neglect or abuse can be made against one of the parents. It may be very hard, but don't get caught up in your feelings. Now, I did a mind body course about 8 years ago when I was suffering deep depression because of infertility that had been going on a decade and after my first IVF ended in a second trimester miscarriage and then a failed frozen embryo attempt. I hope you can find some support that will help you. I actually used to really enjoy being a mum when my little boy was a baby and a toddler. You are welcome to come back and keep talking here too, we are listening. By taking responsibility for your emotions and making an effort, you’re showing your child that you want things to be better. Don't judge me or write your bad comment here, pls. Clubs etc is no place to meet a nice good man in my opinion it's unlikely. The fact that you hide the feelings of resentment shows this! Understanding that you don’t have to be your child’s friend can help you come to terms with who your child is–and accept them. As it turns out, she looked just like her father from the day she was born. I'm so close to the edge. I just felt that I had this huge responsibility of a tiny life and I would do my damned best no matter what. I do care but I don't love them and that guilt is killing me. I have tried to commit suicide once because of something my husband said to me about wanting to have an affair with my … I'm 24, and my son is 3 yrs old. Obviously it was at times really difficult and I used to have really bad days, but there was always something to enjoy, and the good always seemed to outweigh the bad. I obviously have done a crap job of parenting her because now she is suicidal. The lady was crying at the end saying that she had missed out on all the memories of her child being little because she had never bonded and had pushed him away because of all his behaviour for so many years. Obviously it was at times really difficult and I used to have really bad days, but there was always something to enjoy, and the good always seemed to outweigh the bad. They've told me to get out of their house before and I would if I had the chance because I'm a strong girl and I could definitely do it, I just have nowhere to go. I would love to chuck her out... but those are just feelings. Someone who genuinely didn't care for someone wouldn't do all these things. Many of the other posts on here about others who are struggling to get any enjoyment out of being a mum, seem to be coming from women who are the mothers of babies, where it can usually be linked to post natal depression. Getting attention from men is not difficult for me, the stupid creatures are like dogs on heat (I don't get it but I was a full time model for 2 years and so I must be what is considered aesthetically pleasing) but I just so long for someone to love me but yet I can't let anyone close to me or men just lust me and not love me, I suppose someone screaming in my face constantly, cheating and lying is better than the silence of the same 4 walls every night. Tell your child: Maybe do a sponsored silence with them. We have had to lock her outside several times in the garden because she has been so violent and out of control in the house. You have kindly given me a few minutes of your time, and I do appreciate that. It's usually punches or kicks, but when I don't rise to that, like I'll just ignore him to not give him any attention, he will bite me. I don't want him. From a woman who has been through a lot to and has PTSD like the other person said I think you have this to and finding your feelings can be hard..it doesn't feel like the medication helps and I said that for years but after giving them chance it started helping a hit..it takes time over a month. I'm under a psychiatrist already but it turns out even they cannot fix this with their pill pushing. Obviously I can't talk to anyone about any of these feelings because they would automatically judge me and assume the worst. We had to give our dog up because of her. I Don’t Want to Live Anymore. Or some real 1:1 mummy son time like a team bonding exercise with lots of laughter might help you to fall in love again. As a mother, you may feel blind-sided that your child doesn't want to live with you anymore. They treat me like muck and I don't know why. Sent from my SM-G930F using Netmums mobile app, What sort of childhood did you have? You name it, I've tried it and it doesn't change a thing. I'm juggling so many plates and trying to do my best. I pay for them, make sure they eat healthy food, are doing well at school, put in boundaries and try my best to love them. For further help offline, visit our guide to. My husband is have them for the first time in over 9 months, next week. should i give him up for adoption? Please do call social services for help and don't let them fob you off. Hi Jenny, I'm Loraine, one of the netmum's parent supporters. You did not leave your child. She is almost 10 and has left deep cut marks in her 2 year old sisters back (new partner who came along when eldest was young who she thinks is her real dad. I know it would never happen though because I couldn't live with the shame of it. But when a parent is struggling I think it's normal to experience feelings of resentment. I don't think it's simple but i definitely don't think that you don't love your son And secondly I can't imagine having to go through this all over again with a second. We all have made mistakes or someone close has hurt us at some point in our lives. I see to there every need. I don’t want to play with them, I did not think that I had to, my mom never did, I played with my sisters. As a parent you ARE responsible for your child until they turn 18. Learning positive parenting techniques might help. She can be the most horrible person in the world. I'm tired of being responsible for them and have a lot of guilt with my feelings. Our children need love and attention, and plenty to occupy their minds and work to do with their bodies. It's clear from what you write that you love your son. I really don't think anyone would admit this... but I believe there is a root cause. When children live with their dads, people automatically assume the mother is a terrible person. Are you under any MH team right now? You do Love your son your just disappointed in going it alone and hence why you don’t put effort into your time with him. You need to learn to love yourself again and regain self esteem. anyone else depressed about child starting school? As a parent you ARE responsible for your child until they turn 18. The guilt is eating me whole, I haven't managed to make her happy and I don't even like her and struggle to love her. I also have a lovely cat that I am having to re-home because the children hurt her all the time and it is constant battle to get them to stop. Things cannot go on like this for your family. A place to let off steam and receive support from other Netmums. I want you to want to live. I cry all of the time. The court’s aim is to decide what is in the best interests of the child. This is something that you should be really proud of. You do Love your son your just disappointed in going it alone and hence why you don’t put effort into your time with him. You don't want to be on your own and that's understandable but aye it's better to be on your own than be with a *** h*le you deserve better and one day your Mr right is going to come along and love both you and your son for you and we won't be like the other and although he will help you heal somewhat. I want to run. Keep chatting to us here jenny and let us know how your appointment goes - we're always here to listen and will support you in what ever way we can. But it's a logical and normal reaction to how you're feeling and what you're going through. Always seek professional advice relevant to your circumstances. For yourself Zoe, The Young Minds website has a parent advice line that you can contact if you are in need of further advice and suggestions on how to move forward. I suppose I better start with a bit of a back story, I am a single mum (26) of a 5 year old and have been for 2 years! my mom and dad are still married but they argue a lot. My husband feels stuck, being an only child. I wish it wasn't true but it is, her personality is his. If your child does not want to live with you because you enforce the rules and the other parent doesn’t, for example, this is a situation where you should likely disregard your child’s wishes. I often feel like I can't make it until my little one's bed time and put her down early (thankfully she goes down well like yours), I can hear myself shouting silently in my head for her to shut up and go away and it can make you feel horrible. It might be a short time apart would help the absence makes the heart grow fonder saying come true. I feel a horrible person in my own home. noone can judge you it sounds a nightmare an I mean no wonder your depressed an its not your fault how you feel , all kids can be annoying an stuff but your daughter has some problems id guess but she cant be all bad , even her dad cant have been all bad as you liked him at one point he was drug taker but I think most people take drugs when they have problems mental issues ect I dont think all good things about my son thats just the truth no child is perfect your younger one will have some bad points aswell but I guess you cant know what the younger ones flaws are yet as their too young, maybe you shouldnt try so hard to pretend to like your daughter as why would you like someone who does horrible things to you , she has a mum who puts up with her still looks after her you didnt give her up or anything , got no advice I dont know what your meant to do but you have carried on with it for ten years I suppose she is getting older and if things dont improve with help well you dont have to live with her once she is older. 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